Card Game Rookie

With the Golden Toilet summoned onto the field in a game of cards, my opponent's defeat was all but assured. The Laughter scattered THEIR wondrous cards, measuring all things in the universe. I crushed my job interview rival with powerful cards, my deck lineup intimidated those scary grannies who loved to cut the line. I used masterful plays to defeat the former King of Carder, winning the right to play for every kid in the slums.
Ah, Magic Card, what a magnificent art you are. You anchor the scores of exams and competitions, and settle the outcomes of wars and disputes. Even the weekend sale rush at the supermarket is decided by you.
And now, the final moment has arrived. At last, I can claim the reward granted by the God of Elation to the champion... Ah, Magic Card, the one and only Magic Card in the entire universe.